I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
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FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
How dude HOW?!
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
There is no “we” in chocolate.