Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
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So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Pizza is an emotion right?