There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
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This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
im 7 sauces long
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack