“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
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Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.