haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
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At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”