Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
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God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”