Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
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Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?