[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
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[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’