The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
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Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are