HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
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My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I have many caverns
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
That’s easy for you to say
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.