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Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave