A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
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how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
#Caturday
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday