My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
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pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
my name is luke but my friends dont call me