Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
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I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Friends that check up on you >
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?