At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
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[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself