FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
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I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here