H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
You Might Also Like
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air