I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
You Might Also Like
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.