-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
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ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
much to think about
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake