Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
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My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.