TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
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*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances: