Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
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[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it鈥檚 him.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Pass gas, not judgment.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
My 7yo had 拢3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
I don鈥檛 understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there鈥檚 like 12 bars in this town
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
馃
Dilated Pupils
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
I am yelling
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Turns out my toddler鈥檚 only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
鈥an walk up and down stairs
鈥an easily identify when someone is talking
鈥nows all US states except one
鈥nce ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
鈥an smell most numbers
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.