axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
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I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
💯😂
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.