i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
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It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?