Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
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so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes