Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
You Might Also Like
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.