*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
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reminder
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
bugs when you lift up a rock