Dead sexy!!
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MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.