i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
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A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Challenge accepted.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.