Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
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If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified