To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
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Wikigenius
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours