If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
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[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea