I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
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I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
[on my way back to the posting caves]
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.