If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
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Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck