Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
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Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.