Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
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You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.