To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
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The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
How to woo a woman
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*