(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
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If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate