Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
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I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.