If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
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I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Where is your GOD now????
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.