My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
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The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!