Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
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Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
This sounds bad:
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*