If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
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[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*