Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
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“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house