DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
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People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
I have so many questions.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker