My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
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Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
shut up and take my money
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”