your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
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Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Lube but for my dry humor.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.