motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
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One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
i want to work in this restaurant
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.