somebody come look at this
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I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.