(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
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I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
how to have fun when you’re poor
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”